What better tunesmith to write a brand new version of the national anthem and to bring Britain truly up to date
Gaz Man! How well I remember how he arrived during the twilight of the Major years . . . how Bowie-esque he lit up a grey decaying nation in a ray of extraterrestrial mystique and free market vigour . . .
“Space Man
I always wanted you to gooooo!!!
Into space man
Intergalactic chrissttt!”
With a poetical assault on the senses of youth Gaz Man made selling sexy again in a way not seen since Duran Duran pulled up on the shores of Thatcherite Britain showing us that what really mattered in life was not something to say, intelligence, wit or style. No. It is showing the world that you have lots of women and other things of monetary value - THAT is what make’s people jealous! That is what “pop” music is truly about! And it is this spirit of pop which surrounds us in 2014, bought and sold and wholly prepackaged by the erstwhile Simon Cowell and the Gazster himself. Ever since the “kidz” (a young Thorncroft very much included) took to wearing Levis on the back of Gary Barlow’s shape-shifting space changeling hit I have myself followed the fortunes of Mr Barlow’s side-project, the “boy” band Take That with rapt attention in the years since. There was something wholly distracting and even slightly confusing about Gaz’s bandmates. Whether it was Mark’s boyish smile . . . Jason’s sinewy body . . . or even Howard’s hair; my teenage years were spent in an avalanche of admiration and wanderlust for the musical journey that Gary and the lads were taking us on. Imagine my delight when years down the line my own hopes were confirmed by dear old Gaz grinning next to Her Majesty whilst receiving his honours and contributing healthily to The Conservative Party’s esteemed coffers. As a young - albeit not as young as I once was - Conservative, and a pop fan who still wakes up each morning to the dulcet tones of Spaceman I have been outraged by the sanctimonious attitude taken towards this national hero on his healthy line towards sensible tax efficiency. Luckily I have a project that I can propose which will once again lift Mr Barlow back up into the pantheon of British musical geniuses alongside Handel, Cliff Richard, Bucks Fizz and Yehudi Menuhin.
The most durable British patriot must admit that the National Anthem as it is is a bit of a dirge. Even after a crate of Stella I
can’t countenance the idea of watching Roy and the lads latest heroic failure in South America this summer played out to a cacophony of that plodding same-key beat before each shafting at the hands of our crafty continental opponents. I don’t think there’s any shame in saying that our anthem could do with a healthy lick of paint so that Britain itself can be pulled kicking and screaming into the twenty-first century. I mean it’s not as if I don’t want to save Her Majesty - far from it. I like her. In the same way that one likes an aging uncle who arrives for Christmas dinner each year only to tell the same joke as he always does and then fuck off in his shoddy Fiat Punto. No, Her Madge is sacrosanct as far as Britishness is concerned. But aren’t there other areas of public life that are far more worthy of our defence, even our veneration? Money for instance. Or a cup of tea first thing. Or a healthy dislike of the E.U and/or foreigners in general. As far as I’m concerned there is only one candidate who can bring a healthy, British Right-Minded approach to rewriting our national anthem given his sterling record supporting the establishment against the forces of long haired-ness and guitars - and that man is Mr Gary Barlow O.B.E.
Think of Gaz’s greatest hits. There are too many to chose from aren’t there? From the saucy, eroticised verses of the classic dancefloor filler “Relight My Fire” to the plaintive tones of the utterly poignant “A Million Love Songs” the man simply has it all. God willing following Mr Cameron’s election victory we on the Right need to follow our successes vis-a-vis the EU referendum and the march of Mr Gove’s Free School project with some zeitgeist defining innovations that will truly put the Great back into Team GB - the first of which I propose is the Gazster writing ten alternative versions of the new national anthem and putting up the entires to public vote on what remains of the BBC. Or Sky. Think of the possibilities of Barlow belting out each and every free market inspired ditty alongside a bevy of Conservative supporting backing singers such as Cilla, Frank Bruno and Pudsey Bear! We could even put up the winning entry into European competition during that years Eurovision Song Contest - that’ll put the bearded Austrian lady in her place I can tell you! By penning a rallying cry to the Right in the form of national song celebrating low tax thresholds for those most able, and the right of an Englishman to hog the barbecue during a sunny garden get-together of a May Bank Holiday can we really get to rally the silent majority of Great Britishers of whom Gaz is truly their poet laureate. What d’ya say Gaz? C’mon! Let’s boogie!
