Private Pouting or Public Interest?

De Piero, Mensch and the stain of the Leveson Enquiry 

Picture if you will the summer of 1987: a nubile young socialist of humble, foreign origins wonders into a Soho “glamour” studio, her heart pounding. The seedy backdrop of the side-street sex lair cannot deter her: she is in sharp need of funds to subsidise her daily intake of CND badges, “ganga” weed and Billy Bragg LPs. Her lips quiver with uncertainty – Should she? Shouldn’t she? Teenage breastlings heave with uncertainty and exposed lust. A strange man with a thin moustache proffers a clasp of crisp tenners; camera and celluloid clicks and whirls, voices chime in the darkness of the underworld . . . a skinny transvestite pole-dances to the sound of the Pet Shop Boys . . . and a young girls wholesomeness is cruelly stolen.

Fast forward to 2013. The media landscape has been sapped of its vivacity and objectivity by the stifling restrictions imposed by the findings of the Leveson Report. I have found my working life as a jobbing investigative journalist concerned with the fight for opportunities, wealth creation and cracking down on those who simply cannot cope has been made almost unbearable by the statutory demands to kowtow to the political elites and the vested interests of those who seek to control us. Imagine my excitement a week last Friday when news arrived that photographs of the Labour MP for Ashfield Gloria De Piero had emerged with her posing in certain vulnerable positions. Considering the right honourable lady’s position in public life – employed after all as she is as a servant of the people - I felt it only proper to make inquiries as to the whereabouts of aforementioned photographs. Calls to News International and the BBC proved fruitless. I must admit that with the sea-change in public policy vis-a-vis investigative journalism I suspected finding the underage, albeit apparently consensual erotic images taken of De Piero in the eighties would prove challenging if not impossible and so it proved. My efforts at exposing the darkened underbelly of leftist mammaries was shaken by a robust defence by a very unexpected source – the former Tory MP, “chick-lit” novelist and media personality Louise Mensch (nee Bagshawe.)

At a time when there should be in my view a great converging on the side of the Right and mighty in British public life I have been very much confused regarding the pronouncements of Ms Mensch from across the Atlantic. Her approving of De Piero and her antics during the Labour MP’s wilder and younger years is protective and strangely compelling. We can’t help but think of a stern secondary school mistress chastising us for our daring in exposing the cheeky peaks of Ms De Piero to a mass audience. Since taking part in the Commons Select Committee questioning of Rupert and James Murdoch Mensch has emerged as an outspoken ideologue in the defence of the individual. Fair enough say I. It would be foolish (albeit somewhat thrilling) to challenge the forceful Ms Mensch on a point of order. Her surprising protection of a fellow she-person – indeed one with very different political leanings – is hugely frustrating for an honest hack such as moi whose only motivation is to inform and entertain the public whilst earning a few quid in the process. That being said I am reticent to criticise the actions of a hero of the British Right whose clipped, pointed tones are a more than welcome contribution to the national debate on press freedoms in spite of them being broadcast from a foreign country that I understand she is seeking citizenship of. And to all those sneering latte-sipping Guardianistas let me just reiterate that Louise Mensch is not at all A VAPID NONENTITY WHO COULDN’T EVEN HACK A FULL TERM AS A BACKBENCH MP AND NOW USES SOCIAL MEDIA AS A PLATFORM FOR HER UNINTELLIGIBLE VIEWS THAT NO ONE SHOULD GIVE THE TIME OF DAY TO. Glad I got that off my chest! No, in spite of me being pipped to the post in terms of the De Piero snaps I am hopeful that this episode marks a new era of non-partisan female bonding. The girlishly naive De Piero, now chastised by her sound seeing to by the national press can at least rely on the whip hand of the more experienced Ms Mensch whose comfort and support, not to mention potential hair-stroking and hand-holding she will always be able to turn to in times of need. This is compassionate conservatism Labour voters must be exposed to – the power of the dominant Mensch over the supple, vulnerable, blissfully feminine Gloria De Piero, as Mensch herself delivers blow after blow to easily led Fleet Street males whose careers are being hurt harder and harder. And harder. And harder still. And more. And yet more . . . by the delectable Miss Louise’s riding crop of public standards and her stiletto heels of sanity. My fellow journalists, Louise Mensch has given us all our marching orders – NOW ASSUME THE POSITION!