Calling All Sun Worshippers!

How a Change of State Religion Could Signal a New Way of Life for Britain

Anyone seen the sun lately? These days it seems to barely climb above the horizon, benighting our skies with some half-arsed dance of dimness before setting again. It’s enough to give an honest journo a serious case of SADS. This time of year the spiritual needs of the native Englishman can feel sapped of all vitality and energy; all attempts to find sustenance found wanting. The absence of the church in our cultural life, the rise of dubstep and the veneration of all things Joanna Lumley have seen to it that our nation’s fragile morale and inner-life is dashed upon the rocks of winter. What are our options? As a young man I have to say my interest was piqued by the call of Christianity, however unlike my fellow travellers Charles Moore and Jonathan Aiken I can’t say I ever really took to it. Aside from my Primary School teachers attempting to interest a young Thorncroft in the joys of Sunday School, and a spell with the Alpha Course brethren (during which I was thrown out for the unsubstantiated claim of “inappropriate touching”) I never took up the baton of the C of E, largely because I found the whole thing somewhat wanting. Let’s face it – Jesus was a scruffy man of distinctly foreign (i.e Semitic) origins. And on reading some of his diatribes contra the status quo one can read a certain pinkish hue as to the man’s hectoring and politics. Take the “Sermon” On The Mount for instance. “Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth?” Sounds like something one might read in a Tony Benn pamphlet of the mid-seventies. And as for spiritual strength . . . I well remember a long dark night of the soul or several following William Hague’s disastrous baseball-capped appearance at the Notting Hill Carnival in 1997, searching the gospels for something, anything to attach my hopes. Whilst I did find Mr Christ’s admirable stand against the tax collectors in the temple to be of exemplary political principal there was little this apparent “messiah” had to say regarding tax-breaks for married couples and middle income earners and as such his whole “message” left me cold. For this young(ish) Conservative as for the nation there is a vacancy in our spiritual life. One which I believe can be filled by a surrogate deity whose shining face has been staring at us all along.

The sun is an immensely popular star whose thermonuclear combustions have been delighting individuals and families for centuries.  Indeed it is hard to imagine life without the dear old thing hanging orb-like in the sky, even – it really must be said – when its efforts are often found sadly wanting during the winter months. Imagine my surprise when in researching the “God” subject I discovered that many ancient civilisations worshipped the sun as a matter of course. Having recently viewed the great international right-wing filmmaker Mel Gibson’s opus “Apocalypto” in 3D at my local Imax I found many laudable features of the sun-worshipping Mayan civilisation’s society to my taste, especially as regards to their robust approach to law and order. With the sun installed at the centre of our religious and spiritual life one feels that the British may well regain some much needed chutzpah (to coin an ancient Jewish phrase) and put some fire in the loins of those of us who pine for the spiritual life and yet who would much rather worship their almighty at a two-week package resort in Torremolinos as opposed to a dusty pew full of wrinkle-seated maiden aunts.

On gazing at the sun (and do please gaze why don’t you. Full in the face. For upwards of two minutes) one can find more and more qualities as which to recommend it as a potential God and spiritual benefactor. Look at it: not for the sun the camp foppery of a Red Giant star, or the equal-opportunities seeking status of a White Dwarf. No. The sun is a common or garden main sequence star in an outer spiral arm of the Milky Way galaxy. It is not pushing ahead; neither is it loitering behind. The planets orbit it; it does not orbit (or pander) to the planets. Neither does it seek our approval – for every good harvest or hot sunny day on the South Downs there is the sadness of an ice age, The El Nino Effect or a mass extinction. If the sun was a human being one can imagine his name would be Rob an account manager from St Albans who has Eric Clapton on his itunes and a Ford Focus in the garage, who likes his two weeks in Florida every year with the wife and kids but who thinks the E.U’s gone too bloody far this time. Indeed on examining the breathtaking images from the Hubble Space Telescope of our parent star, with its heliosphere expelling trillions of neutrinos into the solar system giving possibility to life within its warm embrace one cannot but stop for a second and reflect on just how satisfyingly Middle England our star truly is.

In the run up to “Christmas” perhaps the detractors of the Christian volition might find some such succour as to pull us in and give the church one last go. Maybe they have a point . . . maybe the Christian perfume of incense, frankincense and sensitivity will give some hope to the humble, the poor, the idealistic and the just plain hopeless. For us who are of the hard-minded and poker-faced mindset we know which way our bread’s buttered. We know who rules the roost. We know we’d rather settle for a five billion year old nuclear reactor of hydrogen and helium than the pacifistic rantings of some old Jew in a caftan. And so I say unto you - and so say all of us - ALL HAIL SOL!