Free the United Kingdom’s Interests and Traditions

FUKIT

A Manifesto for a Better Britain

1) Britain should be run for the British. We want the Queen, the mother of all Parliaments, the crack of wood against steadfast leather, Ladies Day at Ascot, Crufts, nonsensical sobbing, dry rot, zesty complaints and general disappointment in those who spoil it for the rest of us.

2) Britain should not be run BY the British. There are many ample attributes of our island race but organisation is clearly not one of them. A single look at the delays on the TFL website says its own story. Instead we should ask a team of highly trained Swedish Civil Servants to augument a practical takeover of all facilities in this country. Only when we are run by foreigners will we know just how disgusting foreigners truly are. 

3) The British reserve the right to stick our tongues out at any persons speaking a foreign language. We reserve the right to stick our tongues out. And to run away.

4) We should respect the thoughts and practices of those who are out of the norm. The British are a respecting and a respectful people after all. All those persons of a Muslim and/or homosexual bent should be sent to Butlins for a long weekend to show just how we do things around here.

5) The Danish. I’ve got nothing much to add here.

6) The Conservative Party are the natural party of government. However in this time of terror, recession and the short sharp shock of Theresa May a man (or his wife) should be allowed to post UKIP supportive posts on the Telegraph website during the midweek malaise.

7) There should be no Australians unless entirely necessary.

8) Every Britishperson (man woman and child) should be visibly intoxicated in public on at least two occasions during the working week.

9) Be kind to northerners.

10) Let us all entreat to bring back the larder - it was always the most thoroughly British room in the house.

11) Going abroad is fine. What is not fine however is a lack of Gordon’s Gin.

12) Every British man (or otherwise) should be sodding well left alone for a few hours of a Sunday.