Islam’s Alcohol Problem

How the Great British tradition of shitfaced at Xmas isn’t good enough for our Muslim friends. 

So what are we going to do about it?

So just how did you do it then? Comatose in front of Love Actually post-Her Madge’s speech? Or propped up in front of the kids with early-doors champers and bucks fizz in hand? Were you reeling by the fireside screaming at your brother-in-law by dinner time? Or slamming a car-door shut at 3 AM, driving off with no idea where you’re going or how you’re going to get there? Whatever your weapon of choice it is of course your prerogative as a native British-person to enjoy the annual yuletide bounty of drunkenness. It is the inalienable right of us all to partake in this traditional custom in spite of all the kowtowing to the wrong headed, liberal minded sensibility-ists who have consistently attempted to desanctify and de-Christianise a formally pagan mid-winter festival which is steeped in the annals of inebriation. Having resided on these here isles for several millennia it is only proper that the indigenous born amongst us should question the motives and intentions of those who wish to subvert this fabulously British of traditions. Sadly there is indeed a faithless constituency who it is clear wish to do just that: to end, entreat and endure us Britishers to rein in our combustible, liquid desires upon this season of Christ’s birth. Of course, quelle surprise, it is the oh-so-righteous Muslim’s – those ethnic persons who are several centuries behind Christ’s call to his flock, and seemingly several eons behind getting their round in. 

As gallivanting hordes of Xmas shoppers made the tour of department stores in medium sized market towns this past week a plucky Muslim-ess behind the counter at M&S apparently refused to serve a customer attempting to purchase a routine festive booze-haul. The press release from M&S sadly says it all re this particular debacle. The food-chain which is the sheer backbone of Middle England decided to give the Mohammedan a lengthy ticking off and a spell in the back-office – thereby averting a good day’s work that would SODDING WELL DO THE WOMAN GOOD. Anyhoo, the public relations crisis averted by the firm versus the capricious clutches of the PC brigade has been averted and they can get back to what they do best – serving an assortment of surreally flavoured “sandwiches” to the nation’s office workers. One rather disturbing thought lingers from this whole affair however and refuses to go away. What if this isn’t a one off? What if - instead of exhibiting the passive separateness that is the hallmark of the Great British Muslimer - what if each and every man jack of them decides to have nothing to do with alcohol from this point forward? Never mind the once yearly Christmas splurge-up – for Christ’s sake every offie and Costcutters in the land will be full of noncompliant hijab wearers refusing our native custom! The very idea of being robbed of a 1 AM fix of a Thursday night by Abu (the nice smiley one) from Bargain Booze sends my skin into a cold sweat. And so if one is to deduce that there is a potential crisis within this most important of all UK service sectors one must also seek solutions. So this is what I propose to do about it. 

Unlike my fellow travellers within the Conservative Party, UKIP and other denizens of right wing thought such as Melanie Phillips I do not propose at all that we should exclude the Muslimers from Britain. These people - impoverished and simple as they generally are - are the very beating heart of menial labour in this country. From collecting scattered rubbish outside of Stockwell tube to cleaning the insides of Number One Canada Square at all hours, where in all honesty would we be without these stoic godfearers? Islamaticists are now a fact of life - they are welcome to stay and live here as long as they live within a few nicely bound, non-egregious rules and regs that may assuage the fears of their countrymen that they are in fact not all crazed knife-wielders ready to lop off the heads of all and sundry. Why then is it so unreasonable to suggest that our fellow citizens of the Muslim persuasion should be allowed to leave their homes only on condition that they are totally intoxicated? For surely if the Muslimists are drunk (every man woman and child) ALL the time, then we can be not only assured that they are adhering to our time-honoured traditions but also that they are merry enough to (to coin a youthful phrase) “chill out” some, and in doing so they will be able to contribute more enjoyably to British national life. It is common knowledge that just two or three generous measures of wine or so makes an individual more agreeable, and as a matter of course it would be all that more fun for us all if this downtrodden minority spends their mostly miserable lives thoroughly plastered. Think of the “bants” that could be had if your local grocer or corner-shop salesperson was pissed 24/7! Daily we are told that the British consume far too much alcohol per capita than is healthy – surely now we can gather together the booze that is surplus to requirements and use it to paper over the cracks in our multi-racial mosaic of national life. By rationing a per-units policy as per each and every Muslimander who resides here we can hope to keep those extremists who wish to destroy us on a tight leash and also keep a smile on the face of us genuinely British, who would dearly love to interact more with these darkly-hewn religious persons but who cannot for the simple reason that they are not shitfaced all day and all night. We need firm leadership in this country. A leadership which (one hopes) Mr Cameron can provide by making compulsory the drunken inebriation of each and every Muslimist when they leave their houses, places of worship, council flats or local haberdasheries and making sure they remain drunk through the course of their working day via regular spot checks and breathalyser samples. Only when we can be sure that these apostates of Christendom and Britishness are pissed can we be certain that they will remain loyal; for as it has been so plainly and wisely observed – a numbed drunken servant is better for Britain than an alert and sober terrorist.